Memory, Reason, Sense of Direction, Etiquette, Patience, and Creativity have all been affected by this device, which has deviously been handed down to us by extraterrestrial beings in order to speed the slope of our decay. See as follows:
(1) Memory. When was the last time you had someone’s phone number memorized? Right, you just scroll through the menu for their name, and poof, there they are!
(2) Reason. Come on now, you hardly ever bother making decisions for yourself anymore, you simply pick up the phone and call Bruce, who’s screaming down the highway at 95 miles an hour with his blue tooth headset, simultaneously googling directions, changing the radio station, talking to you, and least important, steering his vehicle with his one free knee, in order to ask him whether you should order the cheese fries or the Middle Eastern Platter.
(3) Sense of Direction. Well, this comes straight from #2. Why bother planning your route when you can just call Sue’s house and amidst the barking dogs and howling frat boys downing forties, get your directions (updated by the second) to the keg party six blocks from your home? Sure, she won’t mind if you call back ten times because you missed the exit or that last turn, or you spilled your coffee on your lap so you’re going to be late…
(4) Etiquette. Late. Always late. “I’ll pick you up at 7:30.” Which means you might be there by 8:45, depending on traffic, how long it takes you to get out of the shower, and what’s currently on the Sci Fi Channel. You don’t need to be there on time, because you can just pick up the phone (while you’re still in your underwear, on the couch, eating Cheetos, watching Stargate) and tell Bruce that you’ve hit a spot of traffic, and you’re on your way. What’s more, twenty minutes later, when you’re actually in the car, you can call back and explain that you spilled your coffee, almost ran over a woman and child, and can’t find parking “anywhere in your neighborhood. You should totally move.”
Oh, and also, since we’re talking etiquette, using your “inside voice” as my elementary school teachers used to say, has been replaced with using that peculiar voice which speaks to everyone on the train whether they want to listen to your boring conversation or not.
5) Patience and Creativity. Hand in hand, I think. Take a look on the subway and you might notice a decline in the number of folks reading books, reading anything for that matter. If the train is below ground you can bet the moment it surfaces ten people surrounding you will whip out their BeepBooBopBooBeepBeeps and start texting, calling, mobiling, etc. “Hey. What’s up? Where you at? Uh-huh. Yeah. Mhm. Just chillin. Riding the CTA. Mhm.” No need to write poetry or entertain the mind with great literature when you can just chat about absolutely nothing with your best bud for an hour in the loudest voice imaginable (see number 4).